As a child, remember there were certain parts of the city (I use the word city very, very liberally) that I was not allowed to go to when riding my bike or going for a walk. The reason I was told not to go to those places were for my own good, my own protection, and my safe being. There was always this desire to explore those areas. A part of me wanted to take a journey into those undiscovered worlds. However, again, for my own safety, someone was looking out for me and did not want harm to come my way.
As we grow older things change and people let go of the leash a bit more each time we tug at it. Eventually we end up in places that we once thought to be harmful and dangerous because we were told that they were so. Turns out, they still are dangerous but we are braver than we ever knew.
When I started this journey some naïve part of me thought it was going to be a cakewalk. I thought I would be able to give up every comfort that I knew and would magically be okay. I would find enlightenment in the trees, the clouds, the sky, the flowers, the grass, and other beings. I thought that I would not experience hurt or loneliness because I simply would not allow myself to experience those feelings. The truth is experiencing those things are part of the journey as well.
I wish someone were still there to tell me which parts of the journey were dangerous and remind me to guard my heart and my soul. Alas, life does not come with built-in airbags.
The last few days have been incredibly emotional. On Wednesday I had a true to God mental breakdown in a public place. I can’t exactly put a finger on what caused it or why I felt the way I did, but I wept openly in public. I blogged negatively. I wrote a letter (not the one you saw) and was prepared to end everything. Fortunately, I reached out a hand and the right person grabbed it and I was given a few more days to figure it all out.
Life isn’t easy. If it were simple, I supposed we would all be bored of it and just end ourselves. I’m having a very hard time realizing that I am better off today than I was three years ago.
I have to keep asking myself the question: “Why do I keep reliving the past and comparing my present to it to find worth in myself?”
The past is in the past. It happened. It’s gone. It can never come back. The Past does things differently—we can’t do them.
So I have decided to not only chase after an emotional and mental enlightenment but also it’s time to add some physical goals to this journey. I believe if I can see things happening in real time, I will appreciate all the mental and emotional hurdles I have jumped.
I am currently compiling a list of those things that I would like to achieve and I will post them later today or early tomorrow.
I just don’t want to be a hopeless wanderer.
One step after the other,
I am writing you to let you know how disappointed I am in you. There is so much deeply wrong with you inside. You are so angry but you do not show this anger. You are so depressed but you do not show this depression. You are so cunning, but everyone sees through your charm and deceptive nature.
I am here to tell you, Matthew, that this has to change. You have to find what is eating you. You have to find what is poisoning your soul that is causing all this destructive behavior. You are a far more intelligent person than all of this. You have to save yourself, Matthew. No one else can save you—they can only love you. Let them love you Matthew, and then maybe you can use that love to help save you.
You’re not what happened to you, Matthew. Stop blaming the past for your present. Stop. It’s embarrassing. It’s not cute and it’s a complete turn off.
Stop looking for love in sexual acts. Stop allowing you to be used and to be taken advantage of in the moment. You’re still better than that. Stop preaching the good gospel then ignoring it in the bedroom. You must leave your perversions behind. It’s the only way to become the person you have always wanted to be. You have a choice Matthew. It is a choice. You want to be loved right? Then allow yourself to be loved.
You have such a huge heart, Matthew. I promise you that you’re worth loving—you just have to clean up a bit. You have to polish that personality that you have. You need to leave the poison behind and just be you. Stop lying to and deceiving others; but most importantly, Matthew, stop lying to and deceiving yourself.
I want you to think about your life for a moment, Matthew. Think about where things started going wrong for you.
Was it your failed marriage with Andrea? Have you been completely truthful with everyone on why you got divorced?
Was it January 1, 2012, Matthew? Was that Facebook Status a cry for attention or did you really mean what you said to the “whole world” that day?
Was it April 20, 2012, Matthew? Was leaving All American the point in your life that you just can’t let go of? Why did you have to leave Matthew? Have you been completely honest about the decisions made that day and the reason why you are no longer there?
Was it August 1, 2012, Matthew? Was he worth it all? Have you been completely honest with yourself on why you two are no longer together? Why does your heart still hurt when you hear his name or see him from afar?
Matthew, when did it all start to fall apart? When did you become this shell of a person that you could be. Matthew, we all know that if something doesn’t change and change soon, that you will kill yourself. We know that it hurts. We all see it. They all see it. So many people worry about you and love you but you won’t let those people see the real you. People are begging to help you. Why do you keep pushing them away, Matthew?
You have so much to offer the world. I believe you have a heart to change people and the world. I know you can do it. The change has to start in yourself Matthew. You talk about love and all the great things that can happen in the world if people just loved one another and tolerated differences and respected one another. Why don’t you love yourself; why don’t you tolerate yourself; why don’t you respect yourself?
Matthew, I don’t want you to die. I don’t want to wake up one day and you not exist anymore. I know somewhere deep down inside of you is a soldier, an advocate, an activist, a go-getter, a “I’m going to change the world and no one is ever going to stop me.”
Do something about it Matthew, you can’t give up.
First let me begin with an apology about this particular posting. It will be random and scattered because I have so much in my head that I just need to get out today. So please, try to keep up with me, and if you have any questions or need any clarification please use the integrated “Ask Me a Question” feature on Tumblr.
Okay. So here it goes. Deep Breath—Exhale
I am a manipulator. I’m a very good one at that. I have been one my entire life. I have ability to essentially change a person’s perspective about me instantly with a smile, a few deep words, and a story. This is the direct cause of my success in past careers. I am simply capable of deceiving people. I do not actively go out and attempt to change a person’s idea of me—it happens naturally through my words and my actions. I believe it stems a bit from my desire to be deeply loved by everyone. I didn’t feel loved as a child. I didn’t feel like I fit in. So—I found a way to make people love me. I found a way to change or mold myself to every individual that I came in contact with—this was successful, for a bit. However, eventually all the makeup and camouflage in the world is seen through. So you find the people you can deceive and they find a way to love you and give you what you need, and when they see through your clever disguise all you can do is run away. So goes the story of my life—always running.
I lost someone yesterday that I legitimately loved and cared for. He came into my life in such an unconventional way. We instantly connected and were paired together through time and cosmic events. Although distance and circumstances kept us apart, we always knew that we had each other, that we loved one another. We promised to always be there for the other, we promised to be honest and open. I didn’t keep my end of the promise.
All I wanted was to feel loved and experience affection. And when you’re not sure if that is what you are receiving you keep looking for it. You talk the talk but you don’t walk the walk and eventually everything comes back to bite you.
In March 2013, I could still count on one hand everyone I had been romantically or sexually involved with. Today, I can’t even count on two. Why am I doing this to myself? Why am I trying to fill this empty void inside of my heart with things that will never fill it or keep it filled? I’m obliviously admitting to not being completely psychologically sound. Why do I keep finding the need to manipulate and deceive others to feel a temporary happiness? AM I A SOCIOPATH???
Does all this anger and torment inside of me come from some repressed childhood event? Do I have problems letting go of the past? Am I the one who is causing all this hurt and grief and loss in my life simply because I cannot change the person I am on the inside, but am so readily available to change the person on the outside that people see?
I am so deeply ready to change but I simply cannot do it as easily as I wish. Something is seriously wrong deep inside of my soul.
The truth is, no matter how many good deeds you do, no matter how many strangers you buy a coffee, no matter how many rude and hurtful things others do that you choose to ignore, nothing will change unless I filter out all the perversions and poisons out. What is causing all this pain and all this torment? The answer is me. What can I do to fix this?
Searching for a better me,
I haven’t really been active the last few days with posting about my journey. To be honest, the journey is already growing tired in my body. The Agreements are not as easy to follow, as one might believe.
Doing without is also not as simple as it may seem. I do not like depending on someone else for transportation. It makes me feel like a leech and a freeloader. I hate it.
I also am still having trouble understanding the difference between loneliness and simply being alone. This has caused a sense of numbness and depression that is not safe for my mental stability.
I wish I could tell you that this journey I am on is all butterflies and rainbows; but honestly, sometimes it gets really dark and really cold. I keep looking forward though. I keep my face pointed into the rain and the wind and I keep moving ahead. I know that at the end of this I will be a better person than I ever imagined that I could be.
It’s the rain that helps us enjoy & appreciate the days with sunshine.
To the top,
I love buying random strangers coffee. Especially when they don’t know who is buying it. The shock and confusion on the face of the person is worth more than money can ever buy. It just surprises them that people are still kind in this world.
I don’t have a lot but I am happy with what I do have and when I can, I will share what I can.
Every morning I visit a coffee shop in Flowood. This is where I most of my blogging and my thinking and I have grown quite fond of the place.
Today, when ordering my coffee I let the barista know that I wanted to pay for the very next person that walked into the building. I left the words, “pay it forward — rockbottomtothetop.tumblr.com” on the back of a business card for the place and went on my merry way.
I hope I brought some sort of happiness to that random person.
Matthew: Hey Chris? One day I am going to change the world.
Chris: And how do you plan on doing such a seemingly impossible task?
Matthew: By loving myself.
Just wanted to make a quick update since it had been a few days. I took the bicycle back this morning. I realized that I am just not in the right city/area to be commuting via cycling. It’s not that I don’t think I could do it, but it is more along the lines of my body not being in the optimum physical ability to do so. I just can’t handle the rolling hills of Ridgewood or the added 7 miles of the reservoir.
I put the money I paid for the bike into my bank account and I’ll let it just chill there and gradually add to it. Maybe a small moped is in the future?
Trying to make a difference. Trying to be the change.
Anonymous said: You mentioned that you have alienated yourself from some of your family and friends. Since you have started on this new journey in life, do you plan on trying to reconnect with your father or is all this talk just that....talk? Also, you say you are going to give up certain things that are bad for your diabetic situation. Does this include the alcohol?
Thanks for your question! Both questions are very fair and I hope that you will be satisfied with my answers. I’ll answer the easier of the two first:
Yes. Alcohol is included in both Agreements #2 & #9. I have never been a heavy drinker to begin with. As a Type A Personality, it is very easy for me to become addicted to things and I do not want this happening to me. I have the occasional night where I drink a bit too much, but this is stopping with the journey. Thanks for allowing me to clarify with that question.
As for reconnecting with my father, this is a very difficult and touchy subject. However, I do not fear it. On several occasions I have attempted to rectify relations with my biological father to no avail. I’ll admit that sometimes this failure was my fault; others were clearly his.
This question got me to really thinking. Is it just talk or will I make the effort to do everything I can to change the person I am inside? Will I make the sacrifices to remove the toxicity from my life? The answer can only be Yes.
After reading this question, I have reached out to my father to make amends. It is simple as a text message right now, but it is a start.
Thank you so much for being an Anonymous, but meaningful, part of my journey with this question.